Comments for New Evidence

Comment on A little bout me by chuluka

chuluka — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:07:23 +0000

Weirdos like me!!!

Just kidding

Comment on How many times? by chuluka

chuluka — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:44:30 +0000

Not nearly as good as ‘Thought-sea’

Comment on Thought-sea by chuluka

chuluka — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:42:57 +0000

Definitely one of your better pieces.

Comment on It is important to know by newevidence

newevidence — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:46:00 +0000

I wrote this poem at a time when I was feeling betrayed on a very basic level and felt nothing and no one could really be trusted any more.

Any comments on how I could improve this piece would be appreciated

Comment on Thought-sea by newevidence

newevidence — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:44:00 +0000

This particular poem I wrote at a time when I was experiencing panic attacks as part of a nervous breakdown. I wanted to describe and share what that particular experience was and I found a metaphor worked best. Not everyone experiences these kinds of mood “crashes” but reading another person’s feelings on the topic can help anyone empathize a little more. I find it is always good to learn about another person’s experience to open up your own too.

Please feel free to leave comments.

Comment on Fractures by newevidence

newevidence — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:40:34 +0000

Thank you for all the comments!

I do admit a little problem with repetition of phrases such as “of course” and “however” and will work on finding alternatives for future pieces. I don’t think it works too badly in this instance simply because of the repetitive nature of the entire text and the emphasis on how everything is ‘just so.’ I will take another look at it though.

Gazza, unfortunately I lost both your and Kensei’s comments yesterday when I changed these stories from posts to pages. I did read them though, so thank you for those and this more recent comment

Comment on What about me? by newevidence

newevidence — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:35:44 +0000

Thank you so much Praise is always appreciated here!

I must admit I had fun writing this piece, knowing all along who the main character really was and then imagining what guesses people would make as the story evolved. The ending I struggled a bit with and to me it seems fairly childish/superficial (not really the perfect words but pretty close to what I want to say) as I wasn’t exactly sure how to round it all up.

But thanks again and you’re welcome to add more comments when you get another chance

Comment on What about me? by gazzan

gazzan — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 08:27:55 +0000

Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. That’s all I can say. Pacing, exposition, twist ending, all brilliant. I love it.

I wish I could offer the scathing critique and nitpicking we’re all after, but to be honest, I don’t see a need this time. If I find anything to complain about after a few readings, I’ll let you know.

Comment on Fractures by gazzan

gazzan — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 08:23:13 +0000

I did comment here yesterday, but it seems both my and Kensei’s comments were relegated to Cyberhell.

In any case, I enjoyed this piece a lot. I think you conveyed the calm-yet-psychotic nature of the protagonist very well. She reminded me somewhat of the protagonist of American Psycho, actually. The “and yet”s at the end of the paragraphs worked well to convey her annoyance at the “fractures” in her perfect world. A small touch, but one that stood out for me for some reason.

I think the piece ended very nicely, since to me it was overwhelmingly clear what she did to her husband. I like the nuanced approach you took there, and I fear for her next perfect man…

Comment on Fractures by repline

repline — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:41:58 +0000

This was really worth reading; Well done.

Postive things first:

1) Your character scetch was perfect, I saw this “lady” trying to plan her whole life and near to the end she had a lovely suprise. You got a clear and fast message through that this woman, is a perfectionist and she will do anything to get what she has planned.

2) You left me with a few questions in the end and it added to the mystery of the piece. Did this woman kill her husband? Or was this just part of the planning she had for when they grow old. Or perhaps this was the plan all along, to get some benefit to pay out?

3) Your writing style is perfect and a good selection of words.

Negative things:

1) Careful of the word “of course”, it disturbed my reading. In one paragraph you used it more than once. (Dont worry though I’m just as guilty in using it.) Try to repharse the sentences so that it reads smoother:

“The cakes were, of course, homemade. The guests, of course, never forgot to compliment Rose on her lovely home and delicious food”

I really enjoyed your piece, thanks dammit.